Recently I've just posting random crap I find amusing on here like it's facebook or something. I haven't really felt like writing lately, which is weird, because I generally enjoy writing. But today I'm just going to write. It won't be anything fantastic or ground-breaking, and very possibly not even thought-provoking or entertaining, but at least it's from the heart, not from somewhere else on the Internet.
I think I haven't really felt like writing because I'm stressed. I may not have classes right now, but this whole jobless state is very wearing on my soul. Fortunately I have substitute taught a little bit to get some money in my pocket and to take a break from job searching and the unending and fruitless applications process I find myself completing over and over and over again. At least Teach For America is looking hopeful! And that is what I really want to do, but I wish I had something now. I do like being at the schools when I'm subbing, though. I like being with the students, and don't even mind the jokes I get about how young I look. Last week one kid joked "are you lost? This is the high school. The middle school is across the street." I'm told all the time that I look 17, though, so slightly older than middle school. I just blend in with the high schoolers. Except I don't dress like them when I'm there. I wear teacher clothes, and it sounds weird, but one of my eyebrows is suffering from baldness or something, so the mornings I sub, as I fill my eyebrow in I joke to myself that I'm drawing on my "grown up eyebrows." But really I don't do them any different than usual. But I don't exactly enjoy the subbing itself, because it's like babysitting. I just pass out a worksheet and then sit at the teacher's desk and do nothing. I did break up a fight last week! I think when I got after them I surprised them that I could actually be stern because I look so little and nice.
I'm excited for someday when I'm actually the teacher. Then I can do more than keep students quiet in their seats. In fact, I think sometimes I'll do exactly the opposite! In my classroom I want my students excited about what we're learning and participating and discussing. To really learn, you can't just be spoon fed facts and then know them for good. You have to discover for yourself. It's like when I was a kid and I wanted my parents to buy me something (what comes to mind is that Jasmine Barbie I wanted so bad when I was around 9) but my parents said, "If you want it, then save your money and buy it yourself." I remember my mom saying many times that when you work and buy something with your own hard-earned money then it mean more to you and you'll take better care of it. So I put my Barbie on layaway at Shopko and saved my meager chore money and had a lemonade stand for days until I had enough money to take her home, and she meant more to me than the Barbies I got for my birthday from some neighborhood girl. I think knowledge is the same way. When you have to work to get it, it's more valuable to you, and therefore more memorable.
Enough about teaching and comparing knowledge to Barbie dolls. I've been thinking about Kelly a lot lately. Of course, this isn't very unusual, but lately I've found my thoughts flickering in his direction even more often then usual. He's coming home in less than six weeks, now. It is strange how these weeks feel stretched before me looking as long as the two years I've already waited through. Six weeks is nothing to two years! Why does it feel longer than any six weeks I've ever experienced before? I keep thinking it will be here before I know it, but...six weeks might as well be eternity for me right now. I think part of it is I've never really worried about when he gets home before. I suppose I just subconsciously thought we'd spend a day adjusting and then jump right back in where we left off. But I don't know that. I kind of suspect it, because the 4 times we've spoken on the phone while he's been gone, after a few minutes it was like we just talked earlier that day. He is so familiar to me, no matter how long we are apart. I miss our perfect spring break before he left. I think that week holds some of my favorite memories of all time. It's just filled with sunshine and riding in his old tan Mercedes over the pass with the windows down, and stargazing in the valley and coming home late at night when we don't need to talk anymore; we were just content with sitting in the car holding hands. The feeling of being together enough for the moment. I heard a song by Death Cab for Cutie that is exactly like those nights.
Passenger Seat
I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home
Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between
Shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home
"Do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.
When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
When you need directions then I'll be the guide
For all time
For all time
Six more weeks...I just want to know what it feels like, what it looks and sounds like, to finally be able to look for his face in the crowd and know it will actually be there.
I'm on top of the world
Excited and nervous
To finally be there.
Focused past the uniforms
And metal detectors.
The onslaught of passengers
Pour down the escalator.
I'm searching for the one face meant for me.
Standing on my toes
On top of the world
On the floor of the airport.
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